My Monsoon Hope
by Secrets behind my name Kaulitz
Summary: As Bill Kaulitz, I tell my story, The secrets and the ugly truth behind my mind...
1. Chapter 1

Why? I've always tried to write my own life, in a peaceful way not like this!  
Still a question echoes in my head so much… What did I do wrong? Have I ever made an unforgivable sin? Why am I living this? I always knew, or believed that God is fair! What have I done wrong? What? As much as I try to remember my memory is betraying me, was I too young and I don't remember, maybe I should just stop wasting my time thinking and start fixing, maybe it'll help…. Just maybe, I hope!

"Bill! Snap out of it, you really should stop thinking of bad stuff you're scaring me!" Tom said snapping his figures in my face

"I'm sorry Tom, I'm just a little bit confuse, don't worry about me" I said forming a fake smile at my face, shit he's gonna notice

"What's wrong Bill! I know you, you're fake smiling!" Tom said, man I knew he'd know!

"Tom I'll tell you when I'm better okay? Now let's go already" I said grabbing my jacket

what is that?! I looked at the wall terrified! I swear I saw some kind of a shadow! I swear

"Bill!" Tom said opening the door

"Sorry" I said still confused. We went out to the elevator and Tom pressed the lobby button

"You better not do this in front of Andy! He's gonna keep yapping about it for ages Bill" Tom said in a stupid way or let's say in a Tom-lish way

"Tom I'm fine don't worry!" I said opening the apartment building door

We went down the street to the parking lot, We got in the car, Tom is driving cause I failed my driving test, Oh stop laughing! Just kidding you can laugh, anyway I'm 18 I'm still young I have a lot of time to learn driving!

"Tom what are these useless turns for?" I asked pointing at the street

"Shortcut!" Tom said smiling

"Tom! Andreas is gonna kill us for being late, so stop your stupidity cause I'd really like to be there on time and not 5 hours late!" I said

"Oh come on Bill! I used to always do that in Germany" Tom replied

"This is Canada if you don't know! Besides you used to get lucky by the useless turns you did back at home!" I said in a serious tone

"Meh! Whatever Chicken, I'll go by the map! And don't underestimate the power of Tom Kaulitz!" Tom said laughing

"Bite me!" I said laughing too

after 20 minutes or so we arrived to the café, I came in after Tom and saw Andreas sitting tapping his fingers at the table

"Sorry Andy my stupid twin tried to take another shortcut" I said pointing at Tom while sitting on the chair

"I figured much!" Andreas said laughing

"What would you like to order guys?" The waitress said to us smiling, she's nice I thought smiling

"I'd like a cup of coffee with Tow spoons of sugar and a chocolate muffin, Thanks!" I said smiling at the waitress

"And you sir" She said looking at Tom

"I'd like a milkshake and a cup of Vanilla Ice cream please" Tom said in his {Your sexy} way

"And you sir" She said looking at Andy

"I'd like some hot chocolate with a donate and ice cream, Thank you" Andreas said smiling

"Right away guys" The waitress said smiling and heading to the kitchen

"She's nice" Andreas said  
"Yeah!" I said

"And hot!" Tom added

both me and Andreas looked at him in the {Stop fooling around} look

"Damn it stop it guys I'll shut up" He said

Me and Andy laughed

"Here's your order guys" The waitress came smiling

Her eyes… They clicked at mine, that Mediterranean shade of blue… Crystal, maybe my life is starting to get fixed

"I guess my baby bro is in love" Tom said laughing joined with Andreas

"Oh shut up you, Plus 10 minutes doesn't make me your baby brother!" I said

"Calm down Bill, God" Tom said laughing

after an hour we got out we went back to the car, and back to the apartment, I kept silent the whole time… What was that feeling back there? God! I swear someone wearing black appeared in the mirror! I swear! I'm not insane! Right?  
I need to get out of here! I got out of the bathroom and into the living room to join Georg, Gustav, Tom, and Andreas

"Hey Bill" Gustav and Georg said

"Hello guys" I said trying to smile

"You ok?" Gustav asked

"Yeah" I answered  
maybe that's it! Maybe lying to my friends about not being okay in my mistake and my life is the punishment, I need to stop thinking about this, and focus more on my music, Tokio Hotel is getting universal, be strong to handle everything now…


	2. Chapter 2

Yesterday night was long, I wanted to sleep but the guys didn't let me, it was fun, but I drank too much for a slow night, I guess I'm still thinking about these shadows and dreams and imaginations, what's happening to me? I'm so lost!

"Bill! You've just woken up at least be in a good mood" Tom said a little bothered

"I'm sorry…" I said

"Get up we're having a meeting with David and the guys for Tokio Hotel" Tom said

"Now you tell me?! Meh okay" I said getting up

I wore my jeans with a black t-shirt and went to Natalie's room so she's put makeup on me, she did and then she made my hair, I got out and got my shoes on I screamed for Tom and we went to Georg and Gustav's apartment to have the meeting.  
After Two hours of talking we finished.

"Bill, you know just stay alone, you're getting on my nerves, and you should stop these stupid acts, go sleep or something!" Tom said while he's annoyed

"I'm sorry Tom, I'll go sleep" I said hurt…

I went back to the bed room, I felt broken… What the! I swear to God's name I saw someone! I'm not insane or lying, who in hell is following me? I'm gonna stop this, I need Peace, Love! I need that feeling of heaven; I took a paper and a pen from the desk and wrote Monsoon again, that vision! That Love! It's true somewhere inside of me! It is not a fantasy for I am sure!

"I'm really getting worried Tom, this is not normal, I think we should speak to him about it?" Andreas said, I heard him speaking in a very low tone near the door

"He's probably just being a whiney baby, it's normal don't worry" Tom replied, so he's talking with Tom about the way I'm acting and he thinks that I'm insane while Tom thinks I'm being a whiney baby, Oh wow I'm so happy!

I opened the door "The whiney insane baby heard your talking by mistake and he's sorry" I said going to the living room

"Bill, hun I'm sorry! All I wanted to know is if you're okay?" Andreas said sitting next to me

"Don't hun me! Look I'm completely fine, and whatever is that I'm going through I wanna try and deal with it on my own!" I said getting angry

"Bill! Calm down! All I have to know is that you're goona stay okay, right?" Andreas said worried

"Yes Andreas I'm okay" I said looking at him

"Good" Andreas said smiling

"Since you're all good, how about food?" Tom said pointing to his stomach

"Ja!" Me and Andreas said at the same time *German translating = Ja: Yes*

We went to Gustav and Georg's apartment to eat, cause Gustav knows how to cook and it's yummy!

"Hallo" Me and Andreas and Tom said *German Translating = Hallo: Hello*

"Holla" Gustav said *Spanish Translating = Holla: Hello*

"Hey" Georg said

"Okay we're missing a salut plus Konichiwa plus Marhaba plus bonjourno plus some other language" Tom said trying to be funny, though we all laughed at his silliness

*Translation= They all mean Hello: French= Salut, Japanese= Konichiwa, Arabic = Marhaba, Italian = Bounjourno *

"Lunch is ready guys" Gustav said from the kitchen

we all went to the kitchen and we started eating .  
After 30 minutes or so we finished our eating and we all went back to the living room…

"Guys I'm going to take a walk, I won't be late, auf wiedarsehen" I said  
*German Trasnlating = Auf Wiedarsehen: Goodbye*

"Bye Bill" Tom and Andreas said  
"Bye" Georg and Gustav said, I guess

I went to the elevator and pressed the lobby button, I swear if they're talking about me I'm gonna be mad, they probably are already, I guess I can't have a walk in peace… I wish no fans or paparazzi would be around cause all I need is a calm walk, really!

I went out of the elevator and then out of the building, I really don't know where to go I'm just walking, but I shouldn't get lost!

Monsoon… It's not getting out of my mind, I wrote it when I was younger but… It's not getting out of my mind, that hope helld inside of it, It's making me insane, Like I wasn't Bill when I wrote it! What was that feeling? What was it?


	3. Chapter 3

"Hello" I said entering a Tim Horton's, I guess I got too cold in that walk, here is warm.

"Hello sir, what would you like to order?" The waitress asked

"I'd like some peppermint tea and a bagel" I told the waitress

"That would be 20$" The waitress said

"Here you go" I said giving her the 20$

"Thank you sir, that's your order" The waitress said giving me my tea and bagel

"Thanks" I said

"Your welcome" She answered

I took a seat at a table, I feel lonely…  
Monsoon… I shouldn't have reminded myself of this, Love, Hope, my imaginations are real! Real! I need someone to believe m-

"Hello?" I said answering the phone

"Hey, Bill where are you?" Natalie's said

"Oh hi Natalie, I'm at one of the many Tim Horton's in Canada" I said with a slight laugh

"Cool, mind if I join you?" Natalie said with a slight laugh too

"No hun you can come!" I said smiling

"Well I can see you" Natalie said, I looked form the glass wall to see her holding the phone and smiling at me

"Come in liebe" I said looking at her *German Translating = Liebe: Love* Me and Natalie call each other hun and liebe and stuff but I don't want you to get the wrong idea we're just friends and she's my makeup artist and hair stylist nothing more nothing less, we're just nice to each other

"Hey again" Natalie said laughing and putting a cup of coffee on the table while sitting in front of me

"Hello" I said smiling

"So what are you up to?" Natalie asked me

"Nothing really, but I wanna tell you something" I said smiling

"Oh what is it?" Natalie said curious

"I wrote Monsoon again and I… you no never mind" I said with a smile

"Bill you can tell me, what is it?" Natalie said

"It's no big deal rally" I said looking at her as {Don't be a mom} look

After hours of talking and laughing we decided to go back it's 17:00PM already, We took a bus back to the apartment

"Hello" I said to the darkened apartment

"HEY!" I heard them all shout form the floor in front of the TV

I jumped in my ground

"You scared the living day lights out of me!" I said with my hand on my chest

"Speaking of lights, would you open the lights baby bro?" Tom said

"Yeah sure but why in god's name are you sitting on the floor in the dark?" I said turning on the lights

"We were watching a movie then it ended and we're all too lazy to go and turn on the light, Hi Natalie" Andreas said joined by Tom with the 'Hi Natalie'

"Aha" I said bringing a paper form my pocket that had the song

"I'm going to the room" I said

"ok stupid head!" Tom said laughing

"I'm staring out a broken door,  
There's nothing left here anymore,  
my room is cold it making me insane.

I've been waiting here so long,  
Another moment seems to've come,  
I see the dark light it's coming up again

Running through the monsoon,  
Beyond the world ,  
Till the end of time,  
Where the rain won't hurt,  
Fighting the storm,  
Into the blue,  
And when I lose myself I think of you,  
Together will be running somewhere new,

Through the monsoon,  
Just me and you.

I have no fading form my side,  
I see your vision and it's live,  
but now it's gone and left me so alone.

I know I have to find you now,  
tell me your name I don't know how,  
like how we make this darkness feel like home.

Running through the monsoon,  
Beyond the world ,  
Till the end of time,  
Where the rain won't hurt,  
Fighting the storm,  
Into the blue,  
And when I lose myself I think of you,  
Together will be running somewhere new,  
And nothing can hold me back from you

Through the monsoon,  
Hey, HEY!,

I'm fighting all this power,  
Coming in my way,  
Let it take me straight to you,  
I'll be running another day,

Will be there soon,  
Just me and you,  
Will be there soon,  
So soon!

Chorus and then it ends with  
through the monsoon  
through the monsoon  
just me and you  
through the monsoon  
just me and you" I whispered reading the lyrics with all of my passion, feeling tears in my eyes…

"Bill! Are you ok?" Andreas said

"Yeah" I replied

"Hey baby bro, don't cry!" Tom said entering my room, who invited them?

"I'm ok Tom I'm ok" I said feeling weird again that feeling I had earlier that hope!...


	4. Chapter 4

I woke up to the sound of the alarm, It's Sunday I need to go to church, I'm so happy!  
I got up and closed the alarm; I have a smart idea which is to put my phone away from the bed so I'd have to get up to close it and not stay in bed, cause there's a big chance that I'd sleep again…  
I went to the bathroom, did my business, then washed my hands and face, brushed my teeth while listening to music on the phone, I went out and then to the bedroom again, I don't have to be quite in the bedroom cause no way Tom's goona wake up he's a deep sleeper though I have to not make so much sounds out of it cause Gustav is a light sleeper, he slept here last night, though he's an early bird he wakes up around this time, by the way it's 08:00 AM now… well it's been 10 minutes in the bathroom so 08:10…

I got my dark blue jeans out, and then a black t-shirt and black gloves today is warm, I went back to the bathroom taking my makeup with me cause I can't see anything in the room mirror it's dark, I put on my makeup, I don't wanna wake up Natalie that's all, I brushed my hair, I don't have time to style it, I went back to the room and put on my shoes and then took my black and red leather jacket, wanna see it? Here:

Actually the jacket picture was taken the same day by Andreas after the church

I got out of the apartment

"HI!" I said when I saw Andreas waiting for me out of the apartment

"Hey Bill! How are you today?" Andreas asked me

"I'm good Andy, and you?" I said while getting out of the elevator

"Me toooz" Andreas said laughing

I laughed back and we got out of the apartment building.  
We went to the parking lot and Andreas took the driver's seat and I sat next to him, He drove to the church and we got there.

After an hour and 30 minutes we got out of the church and then to the supermarket  
we bought a lot of snacks and then Andreas drove back the apartment.

"Welcome back guys, how was the church?" Gustav said, I told you he's an early bird, he probably woke up after I left and made breakfast by the way it's 11:00AM now

"It was good thanks Gogo" Andreas answered

"You guys wanna eat?" Gustav asked

"No, we brought out Sunday snacks as always, danke Gogo" I answered *German translating = danke: thanks*

"As you like guys" Gustav said entering the kitchen

"Okay which movie are we gonna watch?" Andreas asked

"Ummm, I wanna watch The Mummy Returns 2" I said clapping my hands

"Okii Bibi" Andreas said laughing

We watched the movie while eating our snacks.

"WATER!" I said as soon as the movie ended

"Indeeeeeeeed!" Andreas said getting up, we both ran to the kitchen and drank 8934983126 cups of water and then we ran back to the couch.

"Guys would you wake up Tom please?" Gustav said from the kitchen, he's cooking

"Sure" I said

we got into me and Tom's bedroom and both me and Andreas jumped on him

"Earthquake?" Tom said half asleep

"No dumb head" I said laughing

"Then why is there Tow bodies on top of me?" Tom said rubbing he's eyes

"It's a casual 'you need to wake up' jump" Andreas said

"Man it's Sunday isn't it?" Tom said smiling

"Yup it is, idiot, you don't know the date?" I said smacking he's head

"I just woke up don't blame me" Tom said laughing

"Well, I can't" I said laughing and getting off Tom so did Andreas

"Guys lunch" Gustav screamed

"You mean breakfast" Tom said

"Nope lunch" Gustav said laughing

we went to the kitchen, and Georg came in with Natalie

"I just came in and woke her up by mistake" Georg said

"Good morning" I said smiling

"Good morning Bill!" Natalie said also smiling

"Sit and eat guys" Gustav said

he put a big plate of pasta in front of all of us and said "Dig in!"  
We laughed and we all ate it, nobody was talking we were all busy eating.  
After lunch we sat down in the living room and we all shared a nice a funny talk, then I slept a little bit

"Rise and shine Bill" Andreas's voice came in the room

"Good morning" I said turning my head to him

"Morning? And you were blaming Tom for the date?" Andreas laughed

"I mean evening" I said laughing

I got up and then went to the living room

"Hey Bill!" They all greeted me in hey's and hi's

"Hello guys" I said

"Wanna eat?" Gustav said

"Sure!" I said in my way to the kitchen, I was going to eat

"Okay everyone put what you want I made Macaroni and Cheese, grilled cheese sandwich, coleslaw salad, seizer salad, and tabbouly, Bon Appetite" Gustav said

I put some macaroni and cheese, coleslaw salad, and tabbouly,  
we all ate and then we watched the notebook on a TV channel.

Now it's 10:00PM and I have no clue what to do

"Guys I'm bored!" I said

"Well I'm going out with my friends" Natalie said

"I'm going on a double date with Gustav and his Girlfriend" Georg said

"And I'm going to a club with Andreas wanna come?" Tom said

"No thanks, And Georg and Gustav say hi to your girlfriends, Natalie say hi to your friends, And Andreas keep an eye on Tom and don't let him drink a lot and not to sleep with lots of girls!" I said

"Will do" Natalie and Gustav and Georg said

"Sir Yes sir" Andreas said laughing

"What are you goona do?" Andreas asked

"I'm gonna read a book than sleep"

"Okay good night Bill" all of them said

"Good night guys"

I turned off the lights, I think I'm gonna sleep right away, for some reasons I'm tired… I'm imagining too much and it's driving me crazy these shadows, I'm afraid really, So Good night!


	5. Chapter 5

What time is it? I looked at the digital clock next to me, it's still 09:15AM, and I'm sure no one's awake since they all had a long night yesterday. I looked next to me and I saw Tom drawling on his pillow, man he sleeps a lot. I went out to the bathroom rubbing my eyes, when I entered the bathroom I noticed my amazing hair in the mirror yeah it's screwed up beyond help! I did my business then I washed my hands and face, I got back to the room and took a book named The Dead by James Joyce, I love this book, it isn't the first time I read it, I got out of the room and went to the kitchen  
I made some coffee added the sugar and took it with me to the living room sat and started reading the book.

,*, *, *,

"Good morning Bill" Gustav said yawning

"Good morning Gustav, you slept well?" I said

"Yeah, we had a nice night yesterday" Gustav said

"Glad to hear that" I said smiling…

,*, *, *,

I shut the book when I finished it, I looked at the clock on the wall and it was 12:20AM already, I went back to the room and put the book on a shelf on top of a small desk, I looked at Tom and saw him still deep sleeping, he looks cute.  
I went to the kitchen and put the cup in the sink and smiled at Gustav, I went back to the living room and opened the TV in a low voice to not wake anyone up, and I saw "Something to Talk About" Movie.

"This marriage sucks! Divorce already!" I said eating the popcorn that Gustav made me when he saw me watching the movie

"Poor guy! That old lady is insane" I said still eating the popcorn

"Bill, did you finish the popcorn?" Gustav asked

"No, but soon" I screamed back, he's in the kitchen doing something

"Here you go" Gustav said while putting what's left of the popcorn I'm eating in a new bow filled with popcorn

"Thank you Gustav!" I said smiling

"Well maybe they'd divorce now…" I said looking the TV

"You haven't watched this movie before?" Gustav said, I just realized that he's sitting next to me eating popcorn as well

"Yeah but I forgot it" I said laughing

"Cause you watch lots and lots of movies in one day" Gustav said laughing too

"Indeed" I said laughing as well

what am I gonna do now? It's 15:00PM now and all of them are awake and here, but I'm so bored…

"Guys I'm bored" I screamed from the living room

"Ok" They answered

Meh they're annoying! I'm gonna go and do something

"Guys I'm going for a walk" I screamed

"Ok" "Take care" "Be careful" "Don't be late" They answered

"Sure sure" I said getting out of the apartm-

I swear I saw something! I felt like someone is behind me! For real, ok I'm going back to the apartment. I opened the door and saw them all in the living room, suddenly!

"Well your back soon!" Tom mocked laughing

"Oh shut up!" I said laughing "I was just too cold"

"Take a thicker jacket" Andreas suggested

"Naah, I changed my mind anyway" I said taking off my coat

I went back to the room and sat on the bed, what the hell was that? What did I see, what did I feel, I just need an answer! This is not fair! Not at all!


	6. Chapter 6

"Bill! Wake up, we have a lot to do today" Andreas said

Yeah it's the day that we go on the American tour, I'm a little sad to leave here, anyway maybe I'll get rid of these imaginations and visions, even if there real!

"Bill! Wake up" Andreas said again

"I'm up Andy" I said from the bed

I went out of the room and to the living room

"Good morning Bill, come eat" Gustav said from the kitchen

"Coming" I said

I took some cornflakes and added milk and sugar to it, I ate it as fast as I could and it took five minutes, I put the bowl in the sink and drank a cup of juice super fast and then started packing.

After 4 hours we were done packing everything I looked at the clock and saw it was 14:00PM

"I'M STARVING!" I screamed so loud

"Bill! Calm down, we're going to MacDonald's to eat something then to the airport, the plain is at six o'clock it's still early" Andreas said

"Ok" I said

I wore my cloths and just put eyeliner and a beanie and a scarf and sunglasses with a coat, I took my bags and went down after Tom, we're going after each other, first was Andreas, then Georg then Tom now me and the last one is Gustav cause he's gonna go to the landlord to give him the keys and money.

When Gustav finally came down we drove to MacDonald's.

"What would like to order sir?" the waitress said looking at me

"I'd like a double Mac with fries and coke, thanks" I said smiling at the waitress

Since we left the apartment till now I'm off track, what happened to me, why's my life getting way too different, I mean with Tokio Hotel TV and the tour, and Canada and America, I already miss Europe and Germany, did I make a mistake? Did I start this famous life too early? Did I lose my childhood and now my life? Am I too tired? Maybe this is too much for a guy like me, a guy that isn't that strong, a guy that is too sensitive, a guy that can't take stress so well, a guy that is starting to get sick of this!

"Here you go Bill" Andreas said placing my order on the table

"Thanks Andy" I said

When we finished we went back to the car and drove to the airport, I sat on the floor, I'm starting to feel tears, thank God there's no cameras,

"Guys I'm going to the bathroom" I said

"Okay, Bill are you ok?" Andreas said

"Yeah, I'm fine, don't worry" I replied

I went to the bathroom, I locked myself in one of them, and let my tears finally out, I should stop hiding my feelings, at the end I'll explode, can this be my sin, could this be the reason of my misery, is it hiding? Is it lying about being ok? What did I do to deserve this? What? I'm more lost then I have ever been in my life! What the hell is wrong with me? What?!

"Bill, are you there?" Andreas said

"Yeah" I said trying to stop the tears from falling

"Bill, are you sick?" Andreas asked

"No" I said

"Then why are you sniffing?" Andreas said

I kept silent, I don't know what to say, and my voice would crack

"Bill, open the door!" Andreas panicked

"Open the door!" Andreas said trying to open it

"Open the damn door" Andreas said still trying to open it

"OPEN THE GOD DAMN FUCKING DOOR BILL!" Andreas screamed, he kicked the door too hard and it broke

"Oh my God! I'm sorry Bill, what happened tell me?" Andreas said going down next to me hugging me slowly

"I'm sick of this; I'm too weak Andreas I need help!" I said sobbing into his chest

"Shush Bill! It's not worth it, you're a strong man and I know you, what happened? Why are you thinking that way?" Andreas asked

"Well I'm sick of being strong, I lost my childhood and I didn't have a chance to be childish, I didn't have the chance to cry on my mom's chest and tell her what's wrong with me while she brushes my hair, no one's around me, Andreas I think I'm going crazy, I'm seeing stuff that aren't real, I'm imagining shadows, I'm hearing voices, Andreas I'm losing it help me!" I said sobbing more and more

"Calm down Bill! You're not going insane, you're just tired, I feel you, I understand you, you had to grow up fast, life wasn't easy on you, and your mom and dad weren't there for you, Tom has his fare share of problems, I can help you, but not with everything, I've been through a lot too, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't tell me what's wrong with you Bill!" Andreas said

"I'm sorry, all I wanted to do is keep you rested" I said crying

"Bill, whatever happens to you, tell me!" Andreas said letting me go

"I will Andreas, I will" I said wiping my eyes

"Okay let's go to the plane" Andreas said

"Okii" I said getting up

we went on the plane, and it flew with us, I closed my eyes and kept the song playing in my IPod, maybe I will be okay, one day…


End file.
